


Careful And Cool, They Tore Us Apart Like A Hurricane

by jzerone



Series: a handful of moments i wished i could change [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24572281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jzerone/pseuds/jzerone
Summary: "Why are you writing all these sad things?""Because it's all I've ever really felt in my life."This is a story of two boys who seemed to be each other's escape, only to realize later on that that was all a lie. The moon shined the brightest in the darkness, along with the small stars. The sun shined the brighter when it was alone. Hyunjin was the moon. Seungmin was the sun.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Everyone, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Kim Seungmin/Everyone
Series: a handful of moments i wished i could change [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776073
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	Careful And Cool, They Tore Us Apart Like A Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

> **hello, this is a really sad story. i wrote it under the influence of sad songs, a.k.a afraid by day6 (stan them if you don't already), chocolate milk, and old letters i found from high school.**

**_I._ **

Seungmin and Hyunjin were polar opposites. One was a dark cloud, who seemed to like walking shamelessly everywhere he went. What people said about him didn't matter. Nothing ever mattered, not the comments about his beautiful face, not the comments about how he should be acting, considering his attractive features, not the rude and tough personality he always seemed to display, not even the cheating his father had done countless times. Because if he listened to what people said about him, it was like betraying himself. 

The other was a trophy father's trophy son. Everything that everyone said about him mattered. They always mattered. They _had_ to. The way he acted during a school gathering, whether or not he greeted his teachers every single time he passed them by in the hallway, whether or not he drifted off to sleep in class even for a few minutes, if he made sure to answer the questions the teachers asked, if his school ranking was consistent or not. Because if he didn't listen to what people said about him, his father would make sure he did in the end.

That was the main difference between Kim Seungmin and Hwang Hyunjin. Seungmin always had to look over his shoulder, making sure he calculated his footsteps well, while Hyunjin would march triumphantly, not having a care in the world.

The first time they met was when they were both twelve, mere children who barely knew what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. Back then, it didn't have to matter. They were still kids, and kids were supposed to enjoy their last bits of childhood. Except Hyunjin was always seen in the playground, fighting another kid who had shoved him or a kid who called him a name he hated with every fiber of his being—'pretty boy'. That day it was the comment about him being a pretty boy. He wasn't a pretty boy. He wasn't even close to being one.

Meanwhile, every break time and after school, Seungmin was seated on a piano stool, eyes squinting behind his rounded glasses as he tried to tell which notes came next all while trying to keep his hands well curved above the piano keys. Because if he didn't do that perfectly, his father would know. So whether or not Hyunjin and Seungmin enjoyed their childhood, the answer was obvious.

Hyunjin was on his way to the boys restroom to wash off the blood from his lip when Seungmin was supposedly walking back to his piano lessons. He immediately spotted the ripped pants and soiled polo Hyunjin was wearing as he held his hand to his mouth, making sure none of the teachers saw his lip.

Seungmin had placed a hand on the one that hovered over Hyunjin's lip, asking, "Hey, are you okay? What happened?" And Hyunjin slowly dropped his hand, revealing the bleeding lip. And he told Seungmin what had happened in the playground while they walked together back to the restroom. The reason why Hyunjin had trusted Seungmin that day was because Seungmin had asked. No one ever did.

And whether or not Seungmin was yelled at or beaten at home that night for not coming back on time to his piano lessons, Hyunjin would never know, at least not in this lifetime.

After the incident, they had found out that they were in the same class with each other, and it made Hyunjin smile, knowing at least someone was on his side. He soon found out, too, that Seungmin was quite known in school, despite having a name for himself. Seungmin knew almost everyone, and everyone knew Seungmin, which is why Hyunjin noticed the way he acted like he had planned every move he made. Seungmin wasn't supposed to make mistakes, because making mistakes would mean a punishment back home.

Hyunjin had soon left the soiled shirts and the ripped shorts and the occasional bleeding lip. They were thirteen now, almost fourteen. Hyunjin had stopped picking fights with every kid who called him 'just a handsome face' or shoved him. Because it didn't matter. Because it didn't hurt him anymore. Because nothing could ever amount to the pain that kept coming back every time he saw his mom crying at the dining area because his father wouldn't come home to them. That time, it had been three weeks. Three painful weeks of waiting for a man who was supposed to be protecting him and his mother. That was why Hyunjin decided to not care about what other people said. Because it didn't matter anymore. They would eventually leave and stop, like his father had.

Hyunjin continued to live in the bright spotlight everyone seemed to have given him. They were halfway into sophomore year when girls would be giving him snacks and chocolate and other food and flowers. He got along with almost everyone, got invited to hang out every now and then, got invited to parties, even. But Hyunjin knew that the main reason why everyone liked him was because of his looks. He didn't get why he was getting all the attention. His face meant nothing to him, and he didn't even care to fix his appearance in school. Everyone wanted to know him because of his face, yet no one wanted to know how he was and what scared him the most. No one ever asked, unlike Seungmin. Seungmin always did. While Hyunjin continued to stand under a spotlight, Seungmin did as well, despite not wanting it either. That was one of the few similarities they'd had.

Two boys who earned unwanted spotlights, trying their best to get away from it, but failing every time. Like the usual, Seungmin had kept his grades up, and attended his piano lessons diligently. And despite being tired from all the studying and practicing just to make his father proud, he always found his way back to Hyunjin, asking him how he was. Because if no one asked Seungmin that question, then he would.

None of them wanted to bask in the limelight. The constant attention was suffocating. Maybe that was why Hyunjin had fallen in love with the darkness, drawing the moon and the stars with black ink, filling them in like tomorrow wasn't going to come. Because at least in the dark, no one could see his face and calculate his value. No one could tell Hyunjin who he was supposed to be. And while Hyunjin loved the darkness and the moon and the stars, Seungmin loved the freedom the sun and the sunlight gave. Because at least in the sunlight, you could see every other detail you may have missed while focusing on one thing. 

**_II._ **

Seungmin had opened up to Hyunjin even more, telling him all about his father's plans to make him into a teacher or a nurse, and that he was getting slightly, just _slightly_ , tired. He told Hyunjin that he wanted to do music, but not classical. Maybe join a band and sing, but his father had said no, and that Seungmin wouldn't get anywhere with it anyway. But it didn't stop Seungmin from writing about his dreams. He always kept a journal, something Hyunjin loved reading during free time in school or in his own house when the other would visit. Hyunjin noticed that every visit, every " _how are you?_ ", every smile, and every nice word that came out of Seungmin's mouth seemed to break down the walls he had built over the years of not trusting anyone. No one ever listened to what Hyunjin had to say, not his aunts and uncles when he tried telling them about his father's cheating, not his mom who wouldn't accept the fact that he was never coming back, not his classmates who only saw him as another trophy boy who deserved nothing but to be displayed. And all the words he could have said had turned into bricks that created the walls around him. But Seungmin was good at words, he was a writer after all, and he turned those bricks back into words and set them free.

Seungmin had broken down all the walls Hyunjin had built. Hyunjin was scared at first because what if Seungmin would end up hurting him in the end? What if Seungmin stopped listening? What if Seungmin left? And then, one night in junior year, as he lay on his bed next to Seungmin, reading his journal, the fear Hyunjin felt the first time his walls started falling came back, because Seungmin's journal entries used to be full of goals and dreams he wanted to achieve back in freshman year and sophomore year. But this time it was different.

Hyunjin turned another page into Seungmin's latest entry and said, "Minnie?" It was a nickname Hyunjin had made for him when they were thirteen. Seungmin was on his phone, scrolling through social media apps he had checked over and over throughout the day. Apps that Hyunjin didn't have, because again, what people had to say didn't matter, and it was the opposite for Seungmin. "Mm?" Seungmin had said.

And even though Seungmin would usually tell Hyunjin everything he felt, it was the first time he had a feeling something strange was going on. "You've been writing all these sad passages ever since junior year started." Seungmin's finger stopped scrolling, and he stayed in the same position for a few moments before saying, "What about them?"

Hyunjin pursed his lips, closing the journal. It almost hurt even having it in his hands. It was like carrying all the weight of Seungmin's words. "Why… Why are you writing all these sad things?"

Seungmin turned, making eye contact with Hyunjin and he stared into his dark eyes for a while, and imagined how they held galaxies in them. The moon always seemed to shine brighter when he was with Hyunjin, like it did that night. But something about Hyunjin's question made the brightness fade in the slightest way. He could see it in Hyunjin's eyes. He could see the worry. Seungmin then said, "because it's all I've ever really felt in my life."

That was what Hyunjin had never noticed. That as they grew older, as Hyunjin's spotlight became brighter, as he became friends with the more popular kids like Han Jisung and Lee Felix, as he grew into better clothes, broader shoulders, nicer hair, and a sense of humor everyone seemed to love, it was the opposite for Seungmin. As they grew, Seungmin's shoulders seemed to slump even more, his grades started to drop, his smile turned into a frown, he barely greeted his teachers and attended his piano lessons anymore, and his spotlight seemed to fade, not like it was supposed to matter. But it did. It did matter to Seungmin, because if it didn't, his father would always be waiting at home to remind him of that. He didn't have a mom, so Seungmin barely knew what love and compassion was. And even though he felt it for the first time towards Hyunjin, it didn't seem to be enough. In the end, it really wasn't.

Seungmin had grown tired of living in the expectations his father had. He was almost fifteen now. He had been under his father's thumb ever since he was nine. He never liked having piano lessons. The teacher was rude, and only tolerated him because of his father. He never wanted to run for class president, or to join extra-curricular activities to keep his grades up. The teachers were only nice to him because they respected his father. His classmates only befriended him because his father was well-known in school. They never really cared for Seungmin. In fact, everyone knew that the spotlight Seungmin had been standing on ever since elementary school was only given because of his father. _Everything_ Seungmin was, was because his father made him into them. But he never wanted to be anything his father wanted him to be. Seungmin was tired of living in fear that if he made mistakes, a consequence would follow.

That was why Seungmin had stopped being the perfect son he always was. Everything had changed for Seungmin, because unlike Hyunjin, everyone only liked him because of his father, not for himself. But Hyunjin liked Seungmin for who he was. He always had, ever since that day with the ripped pants and the busted lip. But it wasn't enough for Seungmin.

**_III._ **

It was one exam day in junior year, they were fifteen now, when Hyunjin first saw it, the small red stain on Seungmin's white long-sleeve. He was at his desk, reading furiously over his notes before the exam started. He was about to tap him and ask, but Jisung had pulled him away. "Don't disturb him," he told Hyunjin. "Are you gonna study too? We can just do it together. I think Seungmin needs to concentrate more." Of course, word had gotten out about how Seungmin's rank was dropping. It wasn't supposed to matter, but again, for Seungmin, it still did.

After school, Seungmin met up with Hyunjin and Felix, the Australian transferee that everyone seemed to be fond of because of his handsome looks, his humor and his accent when he spoke in English. It was a weird feeling for Seungmin but he had the thought that Felix belonged with Hyunjin like every other popular kid in school did together. They just fit together perfectly. "How was the exam?" Seungmin asked with a smile. And Felix immediately put a thumbs up. "I think I aced it. How about you, Seungmin?" He had nodded, the same smile plastered on his face. "Went great."

But when the exam results were returned the week after, Felix _had_ aced it while Seungmin got the cut-off score. Hyunjin scored an above average like Jisung, and he saw the distant look in Seungmin's eyes as he looked back, smiling and waving his test paper at him. He was mouthing _I'll do better next time! It's okay!_

But it wasn't. Ever since the first scar, it never was okay for Seungmin anymore, but he didn't show it to Hyunjin, because Hyunjin needed him. Seungmin knew the pain and the anger Hyunjin had deep inside him, and he wanted nothing but happiness for his best friend. Best friend? Yeah, that was what Hyunjin was to Seungmin. He would stop at nothing to make Hyunjin happy, because he deserved it. Of all people, Hyunjin deserved to be happy.

He knew people started taking notice of the growing amount of cuts and scars on both his arms, but no one said anything. Not even Hyunjin, and Seungmin was glad. It was just an outlet, Seungmin told himself over and over until he believed it. He didn't really want to die, right? And no one was saying anything, so for once, it didn't matter to Seungmin.

But there was one incident that seemed to push Seungmin off the edge a little more. It was another class, and Seungmin was wearing an unnecessarily tight band around his wrist to keep it from bleeding, the ones you used when you exercised. It wasn't part of their uniform so it was noticeable. It was just so out of place, so of course someone had to point it out. And it had to be the teacher. Hyunjin could only watch from a few rows to the right as the teacher said, "Mister Kim Seungmin, I see you've made an interesting fashion choice for the last couple weeks. Your wristband, though. It's against the school rules, remember?"

Of course, unnecessary jewelry and accessories were forbidden in school. They were strict about the one watch, one bracelet policy. But for once, Seungmin thought he could use his father's power to get away with it since he was close to the school's principal anyway, but he was wrong. Seungmin was about to say something when the teacher added, "are you hiding something under that?"

It was a joke. It was supposed to be a joke, and his classmates were looking his way, even Hyunjin, Felix and Jisung were. He didn't know if Felix and Jisung really cared, but it was Hyunjin he was worried about. Hyunjin wasn't supposed to know about his hidden agenda. So instead, Seungmin played along like he always did. "Ah, yes sir, just a fashion choice. Nothing under it. I'm too young for a tattoo after all." And the class had laughed, and so did Seungmin.

Back home, Seungmin's father waited, voice never tired of yelling at him, hands never tired of spanking him. It was always dark in the house. It gave Seungmin a hard time to move around, considering the fact that he was legally blind. But his father didn't mind, so neither did he. When Seungmin came back from school, wristband off and arm behind his back, he braced himself for the yelling and the beating he knew that was coming. 

But the yelling and the beating never came. All his father did was stand in front of him and say, "The school called. Don't you ever make a fool out of yourself again. You're carrying _my_ last name. Remember that." His father then disappeared into his room. No dinner was prepared, his father's plates were already washed which meant he was finished. It was either Seungmin was to eat the leftovers or to go to sleep with an empty stomach.

Seungmin went with the latter, since it was going to help him kill himself in the long run anyway.

**_IV._ **

Things became worse for Hyunjin back at his house, he barely called it a home anymore. His father had come back after a year, only to be drinking and smoking all day while his mother worked her ass off to be able to earn and show him that she _was still worth it_. It was pathetic to Hyunjin. He hated his father. He _wanted_ him to stay away. He didn't need him anymore. Hyunjin was done with waiting for his father to come back, so when he did, he was like a ghost to him. He didn't matter anymore. But the pain was taking its toll on him. His father would call him the names everyone else did when he was younger, he would say that Hyunjin contributed nothing, that he wouldn't achieve anything or find someone who would love him because he was _such a fucking rude boy._

But Hyunjin didn't even want love. He barely knew what it was so why would he even bother looking for it? And why would he risk loving someone if they could just suddenly vanish and leave and never come back? That scared Hyunjin. He already barely had anyone.

Hyunjin had turned his pain and anger into the drawings he had created. He was fond of drawing even more now since it was the only thing he could rely on for a while, because Seungmin had stopped writing in his journal. Seungmin had stopped visiting Hyunjin and spending weekends over at his house. But Seungmin was still in school, and he would wear a bright smile, making his classmates laugh or listen. It was another change, Hyunjin noticed. He wasn't sure what it was all about, either. Seungmin still wore wristbands or bracelets or jackets despite the heat, but he was smiling wider again.

Hyunjin had wanted to know what was making Seungmin smile again, because he needed a reason to as well. He asked Seungmin how he was on the way home from school one day, arms brushing against each other as they walked side by side. Hyunjin had cancelled plans that day to hang out with Seungmin. Hyunjin, Felix, Jisung and a couple other classmates were supposed to have ramen after school. But he would rather be alone with Seungmin.

"I'm happier again because I keep remembering that you're there for me," Seungmin told him. "And it makes me happy to see _you_ happy, Jinnie. It's the least I could do."

Hyunjin nudged his arm. "And what's with not writing in your journal anymore? I miss reading your entries, you know?" Seungmin released a long sigh. "I'm just busy. My grades… I have to do better."

But Seungmin wasn't busy with studying. He had been busy doing something else, doing something he knew Hyunjin wouldn't approve of.

Seungmin and Hyunjin trusted each other so much. They shared each and every experience with each other, they shared the scrapes and calluses from Seungmin's guitar playing, the days in Hyunjin's room, picking out which set of clothes he should wear. They grew up to know the changes that had happened with one another, they enjoyed each other's company more than anyone else did. They never had a serious fight because one could never hurt the other because they understood each other's pain. Seungmin and Hyunjin trusted each other maybe a little too much to not know that all friendships had their own flaws.

Because since Hyunjin trusted Seungmin, what other people said didn't matter. If Seungmin said he was fine, then he was. He was always honest with Hyunjin. Hyunjin should have listened to what everyone else was saying, but he didn't. No one ever listened to him, only Seungmin did. So why would he listen to them?

Seungmin listened to everyone else a lot. He sometimes couldn't get the voices out of his head. Maybe it was because of all the years of listening to what other people had to say. And maybe that was why what Hyunjin had to say was never enough. What Hyunjin always said to him was different from everyone else's. Hyunjin said Seungmin was doing a great job, that he was amazing in his own way, that he could achieve every dream he had written in his journal. But that wasn't what everybody else was saying. After all, what other people had to say, mattered. It always had to.

While for Hyunjin, what other people had to say didn't matter.

That was the main difference, again, between Seungmin and Hyunjin. And it was also the flaw in their friendship.

**_V._ **

It was Sports Day and Hyunjin was sitting on the bleachers in the field next to Felix and Jisung as they watched another soccer game go on. "Hyunjin, do you think Seungmin's okay?" Jisung asked. "It's been a while since I've seen him."

Hyunjin dismissed him immediately. "He's fine. You know he's an introvert. He doesn't like big gatherings so much."

"No," Felix had said. "It's not about Sports Day, Hyunjin. His rank's been dropping. We're going to be seniors soon. He has to get back up. I don't think he's even submitted any proje—"

"Shut up!" Hyunjin exclaimed. "Look, Felix, I know you're the new number one and you've been maintaining your _awesome_ grades ever since you moved here but you don't _know_ Seungmin like _I_ do. He knows what he's doing, and you don't even really care! Only I did! So _stop_ pretending that you do!" The words came out a little too harsh. Hyunjin hadn't meant it, but it was too late. Felix had gotten up and walked away, leaving Jisung stuck in choosing between Felix and Hyunjin. But as soon as he stood up, Hyunjin knew the answer. After all, nobody really chose him. Only Seungmin did.

After that, he and Felix had always been at each other's necks, shoving each other in the hallway, making nasty remarks about the other at every opportunity. Jisung just let it happen in front of him, not being able to choose between his two close friends. But Hyunjin always knew Jisung had Felix's back. He didn't need Jisung anyway. He was just another popular kid like him, trying to get through high school at the top of the chain. Because that was where the three of them belonged. A tier in the school system where no one could touch them, where nothing mattered.

Then Hyunjin noticed that his old ways started coming back. He even punched walls now when the anger seemed to be too much. The main person he always fought with was Felix, the latter still angry and frustrated that Hyunjin had called him out like that that day. But Felix wasn't angry because what Hyunjin said wasn't true. He was angry because it was, and that Hyunjin had noticed.

Hyunjin came by Seungmin's house that day after a cafeteria fight with Felix, lip bleeding and arms bruised from the punches and the kicks. Felix was not an amateur at fights. He had a black belt in taekwondo. And Hyunjin thought, maybe it was one of the reasons people loved Felix.

And that day, Seungmin asked him again. "What happened?" And it happened again like deja vu, Hyunjin telling Seungmin what happened that day as he got cleaned up in Seungmin's bathroom. He didn't know the reason why Felix and Hyunjin hated each other so much, but he was afraid to ask.

"You're both just not over a fight that happened," Seungmin said. "I know people don't listen to you, but I'm here. I will. But Jinnie, I know you're better than that, okay? You don't have to keep doing this to yourself. Draw things instead of punching walls."

And Seungmin was hugging Hyunjin tightly that day, like he didn't want to let go. And when he pulled away, Hyunjin saw the tears flowing down Seungmin's cheeks. He then told Hyunjin that it hurt him to see Hyunjin fighting with everyone, to see him hurt himself because of other people. He told him that Hyunjin didn't deserve the pain he was feeling because Hyunjin always, _always_ bottled up all his anger inside him. And that Hyunjin was all he ever had, that Hyunjin was the only person who really cared for him and liked him for who he was, not because he was his father's son. And that Seungmin didn't want Hyunjin to be angry anymore. He had seen enough anger in his life, and Hyunjin shouldn't add to it.

That was another similarity between the two. Both had cared for each other not because of what people labeled them as, but as who they really were. But differences always stood out more than similarities. 

**_VI._ **

Seungmin loved seeing Hyunjin smile later on, a few months after that day in his house when he held Hyunjin tight in his arms. Hyunjin continued to stay at the top, people almost wanting to kiss the ground he walked on. And even though Hyunjin still had anger and resentment deep in his heart and mind, Seungmin was the reason he was able to tolerate everything. He was the reason school and life in general had become tolerable to Hyunjin. After all, Seungmin was in the same life and timeline as him. Seungmin was the person that had kept Hyunjin afloat. He was Hyunjin's anchor.

But then again, that was the thing about anchors. Anchors had to sink in order for boats to stay where they were, to stay afloat to keep everyone who had to hop on safe. Seungmin was the anchor who kept Hyunjin from sailing farther and farther away from the world he was living in. And soon enough, Seungmin did sink, and the rope that connected the two of them had gotten cut, just like what Seungmin did to his arms countless times in the same bathroom he had cleaned Hyunjin's wounds. And slowly, Hyunjin sailed away, carried by the praises, the compliments, and the people who wanted to be there for him, like Seungmin wasn't already. Hyunjin had become more likeable, more friendly because Seungmin always told him to. But the people didn't know that, so eventually, they took Hyunjin away from the water, away from where Seungmin sat, alone, deep under, bit by bit.

**_VII._ **

Seungmin was meant to turn sixteen, like every other kid was. Seungmin was meant to fulfill at least one of the goals he had written in his journal back in sophomore year. Seungmin was meant to enjoy the freedom that the sun had always given him. After all, like the sun, he shined the brightest when he was alone.

Even though he loved Hyunjin and wanted him to be happy, Seungmin knew that he could never shine as bright as Hyunjin. Not with Hyunjin next to him.

He wanted to believe what Hyunjin had been telling him—that he was good enough, that he was doing alright. Because Hyunjin always listened to him. But the voices in Seungmin's head were much louder than Hyunjin's soft, angelic one. They made a bigger impact than Hyunjin's. And even though Seungmin knew it didn't matter to Hyunjin, it mattered to him.

It should have mattered to Hyunjin. Even just once. Even just that day in the bleachers where Felix had told him about Seungmin. Felix may have not cared, but what Felix was saying was true.

The night before, Seungmin was staring outside his window, looking as the moon illuminated the night sky in the softest way. The clouds were supposedly invisible, but because of the moon’s brightness, they were seen. The moon had looked so serene despite the darkness around it. He saw Hyunjin as the moon, shining brightly despite the darkness and emptiness that surrounded him. He longed for Hyunjin to stay that way, because that was what Hyunjin was meant to be. 

Seungmin didn't come to school that day when Hyunjin was supposed to surprise him with an advanced birthday gift. It was a month too early, but Hyunjin had always been fond of buying Seungmin random gifts because why not.

But Seungmin didn't answer the calls and the texts. It shouldn't have alarmed him, since Seungmin was bad at both, but it did.

Seungmin had learned to love and be compassionate because of Hyunjin. Seungmin had learned to become carefree and daring every now and then because of Hyunjin. Seungmin had learned to care deeply because of Hyunjin. But in the end, what other people said mattered more than the words that came out of Hyunjin's mouth. In the end, loving and caring for Hyunjin wasn't enough.

Seungmin had grown tired of keeping Hyunjin on top. He didn't blame Hyunjin. Hyunjin was just living his life, trying to get by every obstacle and painful remark people had to say. Even though Seungmin wanted Hyunjin to have all the happiness the world had to offer, he had gotten tired of holding him up. Because in the end, Hyunjin was bound to sail away, he was bound to leave and become greater things. In the end, all Seungmin really had was himself.

The house was empty, as Seungmin's father was still at work. Hyunjin never really talked to Seungmin's dad because of fear. The hallways were still dark, like they always had been. And Seungmin's bedroom door was open, so Hyunjin made his way there. But Seungmin wasn't on the bed or at his desk or by his closet. 

It was when he made his way to Seungmin's mirror when he heard the water flowing in the bathroom.

It should have mattered to Hyunjin, the time Felix had mentioned Seungmin's situation during Sports Day, the time he first saw the red blood stain that made Seungmin's white long-sleeve look like the Japanese flag, the time their classmates had said that Seungmin was changing, that day their teacher asked if Seungmin was hiding something underneath the wristband he wore almost too often. Hyunjin never listened to anyone except Seungmin, and that was one of the mistakes he had made. That was one of Hyunjin’s mistakes.

Seungmin had been lying all along. He wasn’t okay. As the years passed by, he had grown tired of listening to what everyone wanted him to do. And because he trusted him so much, Hyunjin didn’t even realize it.

Hyunjin didn’t understand why he had to see Seungmin’s lifeless and bloody body in the shower stall under the running water. He didn’t understand why Seungmin’s forearms were split open, blood rushing out in an urgency, like it couldn’t wait to leave his body. He didn’t understand what Seungmin’s reason was, and he never would. At least, not in that lifetime.

He could remember getting soaked from the water coming out of Seungmin’s shower, yelling _Why! Why did you do this!_

The fear Hyunjin had felt the day his walls started falling down had come back. Because Seungmin had stopped listening. Seungmin had hurt him. Seungmin had left.

He took the reason with him to the grave, the real reason why he ended his life. Hyunjin had loved the darkness and the moon and the stars so much that Seungmin saw him in it. Hyunjin belonged to the sky, alongside all the other stars the school had proclaimed, alongside the other stars like Lee Felix and Han Jisung. But Hyunjin always shined the brightest to Seungmin. Hyunjin was the moon. He shined brighter than anyone else did at the top of the chain. Because contrary to popular belief, Hyunjin needed all the other stars to make him shine brighter. He needed people like Felix and Jisung, mere stars in the sky that made him even more noticeable. That was what Hyunjin was meant to be.

Seungmin on the other hand shined bright, but it was only when he was alone that he shined the brightest. Maybe that was the reason why Hyunjin loved the moon and Seungmin loved the sun. They longed to be the two polar opposites that they were ever since the day they were born.

Seungmin was supposed to turn sixteen in a month. He was supposed to form a band and sing to his heart’s content. He was supposed to achieve everything he had written down in his journal. But that was impossible now, not with his journal waiting for a new entry that would never come, not with his dreams stuck in his head. Not in this lifetime.

The sun shined the brightest when it was alone, and that was the life Seungmin had lived. Seungmin was the sun. That was what Seungmin was meant to be.

Because after all, in the end, all Seungmin really had was himself.


End file.
